Testimonial from Paul F.

As a participant in this Foundation I would like to attempt to describe the impact on my life that childhood sexual abuse has had. For a look into the mind and emotional life of a twelve year old who was abused let me begin when the impact of what was done to me sunk in. I developed some strategies to help me survive and feel safe, the biggest one was “No one will ever hurt me again” I accomplished this by never allowing anyone to truly get to know me. I changed neighborhoods that I hung in regularly. I would start to hang with some people that I met in school, church etc. and when they started to get too close to me I would leave and go somewhere else. In this self imposed strategy, I felt like I was protecting myself, when in fact I was creating my own isolation and loneliness.

Fear of others knowing what happened kept me shut off from true connection and friendship. I found comfort in the bottle, I began drinking to drown the feelings of shame, rejection and betrayal, all this by the time I was twelve, when I should have been playing sports or anything else a healthy child might participate in. I eventually married at the age of twenty four to a woman I have been with now for over thirty years. After my son was born and my wife wanted more from our relationship, my strategy of pushing people away kicked in automatically. This is when my drinking problem became the focus of my many problems and inability to cope, she was leaving, I was scared to death, I got sober at the age of twenty five and we stayed together.

Many years later the true nature of my difficulty with living life surfaced it was and is the dreaded reality of trying to hide childhood sexual abuse. I have been in and out of therapy for years. My parents made me go to counseling at the age of sixteen but I did not have the courage to disclose the truth, at that time. I was under the false impression that it was my fault. If only I was stronger, smarter or something other than what I was I could have prevented the subtle manipulation and betrayal.

Now that I found my way into the community of others that have been living with the impact of childhood sexual abuse and have found the courage to talk about it, I am beginning to heal my wounded soul. I would seek out professional help for the symptoms of abuse but not disclose the fact that I was in fact sexually abused. I would feel better then stop going for help, only to regress and go back for help. This process of starting and stopping finally resulted in full disclosure about the abuse to a therapist who put me in touch with people who truly understood, the freedom to talk openly and feel safe in doing so has given me my life back. The recovery process is not easy but is extremely rewarding.

It is my hope that this brief description resonates with someone and inspires you to seek a community/therapist in your area where you will find the sense of belonging and healing that I have had the good fortune to find. Please care enough about yourself to help us help you.